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First Entry
This is my first entry into my Baby Blog.
As I said in my intro, I'm 30 years old and I've been married for two years. My husband's name is Stephen. He was married once before and has three lovely daughters (13, 17, 18), who are now, of course, my stepdaughters. I have never been married before and I don't have any children of my own.
Yet...
I used to think that I didn't want any kidĒs. They annoyed me in restaurant, running around screaming, and I hated the thought of changing diapers. Late-night feeds, vomit, crying, etc. I just didn't see it in the cards for me.
Then I met Stephen and everything changed. It's kind of like I entered a new faze of my life. All of a sudden, I wasn't just Nicola, live alone, enjoying the single life, doing whatever I please. I was a wife, a stepmother. My role changed and my life situation changed. I was with someone who made me feel safe and taken-care-of. Stephen made me feel like I could have anything I wanted. He still does.
And I saw something in him that made me want to share myself with him fully. I wanted to combine a little piece of him and a little piece of me. What a beautiful baby we'd have. Made out of sheer love.
Sounds sappy, doesn't it? I know, but it's the way I feel. I never used to be so sappy.
So, on the 17th of May, I took my last birth control pill. Some experts say to wait a little while after stopping before trying to conceive. Other experts say that you can be at your most fertile immediately after stopping the pill.
I got my period as normal the month after stopping the pill (June), on a 29-day cycle. If I count 29 days from the period, I should started my period yesterday.
It hasn't started yet, but I know that I shouldn't get my hopes up. One day late doesn't mean anything. Especially when I've been on the pill for three years and I'm still getting used to what my normal cycle should be.
I haven't had any of the pre-period symptoms, but then, I haven't had any pergnancy symptoms either. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's hard.
Bored...
I'll be doing most of my writing from work, as it's a place where I have the most freee time. Isn't that strange? Yeah, I've got one of those jobs where there simply isn't enough to do.
You might think it was relaxing, but I get soooooooooo bored...
Wow!
Wow! I truly didn't think anybody would read my blog, nevermind be kind enough to leave comments! Thank you for leaving me such nice and supportive messages. It is appreciated.
I'm still figuring out how to use the many options this blog has to offer so I hope that you'll bare with me while I get my bearings. In fact, I didn't even notice that anyone had left any comments until Jo sent me an email message. Thank you.
I'm sure I'll catch on soon... I hope!
Somebody help me out here...
...what's a sweetie??
Good Morning,
My alarm went off at the usual 6:20 this morning. I felt tired and I completely lacked the energy or the drive to head in to work today. But I did. I'm here. In for another long and boring day of nothingness.
Actually, that's not completely true. The boss comes in today (he's normally out on the road), so I will probably be asked to do some utterly mundane things.
But enough about my job! Back to my morning...
I used to do sit-ups and some back exercises in the morning before my shower. Over the last few days, since I've thought that there may be the slimmest chance that I could be pregnant, I've stopped doing these exercises. I know that my chances of being pregnant right now are probably slim, but I can't take any chances.
My husband warned me this morning that I shouldn't be stressing about all this and I truly think that I'm not. Writing this blog doesn't help my case, I know. But I start writing this blog because I wanted to 'talk' about pregnancy. I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings, even if no one was listening. I still don't think that I'm obsessing over it and I don't think about it all day. I think that my husband's worried that I'll start dictating when we should have sex, just to optimise the chances of conception. But I have no intention of doing that. I love the spontaneity as much as he does. Unfortunately, 3 almost-adult children/stepchildren means that spontaneity is difficult enough!
I woke up this morning, noticed that I still didn't have my period (2 days late now) and I thought to myself, "that means nothing really." And it doesn't. I'm fresh off the pill and just because I think I know when my period will be here doesn't mean that I do know.
I know that I sound obsessed with pregnancy because that's all that I've about so far. But really, pregnancy was my chosen topic for this blog so I guess it's only right that I ramble on about it.
Still nothing... :)
It's Saturday. My little friend has not paid a visit yet. Can a woman will her period not to come? Do I have that kind of control? I really doubt that I do. In fact, other than when I get up in the morning, I certainly don't spend my day thinking about it and longing for it never to come.
I mean, don't get me wrong - I want to be pregnant, but I also realize that, if it has happened, it's happened very quickly after stopping the pill. So, I'm not too worried.
I do worry about things like not being able to conceive. I had surgery about 6 years ago (when I was 24) to have an ovarian cyst removed. It all started with terrible tummy pains. I'd never had painful periods or cramps before, but, stubborn me, I put the new pain down to just that.
It lasted a few days. I just stayed in bed. Then it faded. About a week later, it came back with a vengeance. I was doubled over in agony.
I went to the hospital and, of course, they asked me if I could be pregnant. They suspected one of those pregnancies that occurs in the felopian tubes. But I knew that I wasn't pregnant; I hadn't been sexually active in quite a while!
As it turns out, I had an ovarian cyst that had grown so big that it started to cut off the blood supply to one of my ovaries. In short, it was killing the ovary. My doctor said that it was the size of a small orange!
I was foolish to leave it so long, especially when it was such intense pain. But my doctor assured me that everything was intact and that it shouldn't effect my fertility. But it still worries me. These are the little things (or perhaps the big things) that go through a woman's mind when she wants to conceive.
Did I party too much in my youth? Did I do too many drugs? Have I eaten properly? Am I taking enough vitamins? Am I taking too much vitamins? I can't keep track of all my queries. But, I figure that if a woman who abuses her body and doesn't want a baby can have a healthy child, why can't I?
My husband, Stephen, is very supportive and seems just as excited at the prospect of a new baby as I am. For quite a while, when were talking about having a baby, I believed that he was just supporting me. You know, like he didn't really mind whether we had a baby together or not. He said all the right things. He said that he wanted a baby with me and that the thought excited him. I had a hard time believing him. Not because he didn't sound sincere, but because he has kids of his own. They're almost grown up and I figured that he couldn't possibly want to start over again.
But I believe that he is excited by it all and I think that he is wishing that this late period does turn into the pregnancy that we crave. We'll see...
Sunday Morning...
Still nothing. I'm not normally late. Even before I started the pill, it was like clockwork. I never missed any periods or anything. They've always been light and painless. Yeah, I got a bit bitchy, but what woman doesn't, right?
So here I am, 4 days late, wondering... waiting...
Symptoms
The other day, I looked up pregnancy symptoms on the internet. It made me think that I couldn't be pregnant.
I don't have to pee more frequently. I don't have sore breasts. I haven't felt the least bit nauseous. And I don't feel any more tired than I always have. The only symptom I have is a late period.
But then, some women don't feel any of the symptoms right away. So, I guess, I won't be surprised if I'm not pregnant. But I'd be thrilled if I were!
Strange, but some of those symptoms are similar to pre-mentrual symptoms, and I haven't had any of those either.
Has it started??
I still don't have a full period. I say that because, yesterday, I had a bit of start-of-period spotting. I was a bit disappointed because, to me, that just confirms that I'm not pregnant. I didn't really think that I was because I didn't feel pregnant. How does pregnant feel? I don't know - I've never been there before.
So I went to work today ready for my period, but, so far, it hasn't really started fully. I had a bit of spotting yesterday and now it's gone again.
I'm feeling pre-menstrual now a bit too. I have an achy tummy and I'm feeling quite emotional. Having what I deemed to be the start of my period yesterday brought tears of disappointment.
Stephen was very supportive and was quite disappointed himself. But we must keep it all in perspective. I stopped the pill about 2 months ago. We haven't been "trying" long. There's always next month, right?
Nothing
This is all very frustrating. I still don't have my period. I felt like it was coming, but it hasn't arrived. It still could happen today though, as I had a bit of a sore tummy this morning when I woke up.
This makes me a week late. Late on the normal 28-day cycle though. Having been on the pill for 3 years, I'm not even sure if 28-days is now my cycle. Hell, my cycle might have changed. I could be a 35-day cycle gal now!
It feels a bit strange writing a journal about my monthly cycle. And I've made it public for the whole world to read, if they're interested. It makes me wonder about exactly how personal and detailed I should be.
But seeing as I'm fairly anonymous on here, I figure that I can be as detailed as I like and hope that other women in my situation can gain a bit of comfortable/ knowledge/ reassurance from something that they've read here. I'm obviously not the only one wanting a baby and wanting to talk about it.
But I can certainly say that I've felt more relaxed about the whole thing since I got a bit of soptting the other day and assumed that my period was on it's way. I have assumed that I am not pregnant and I feel less on edge about waiting. My period not arriving yet has thrown a spanner in the works, but overall, I feel better about everything.
